Funny Quotes - Page 277

Be aware that a halo has to fall only a few inches to be a noose.

I never wanted to see anybody die, but there are a few obituary notices I have read with pleasure.

My first time I jacked off, I thought I'd invented it. I looked down at my sloppy handful of junk and thought, This is going to make me rich.

Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?

I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

For some reason, humans have this funny thing about where we came from - it always has far more emotional weight than where we are.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

When we got off the streetcar at Times Square, it was somewhat of a letdown. Newspapers were blowing about the road and pavement, and Broadway looked seedy, like a slovenly woman just out of bed.

Any man may be in good spirits and good temper when he's well dressed. There ain't much credit in that.

He would make a lovely corpse.

Marriage is a feast where the grace is sometimes better than the dinner.

They say you can't do it, but sometimes it doesn't always work.

I don't have false teeth. Do you think I'd buy teeth like these?

I've always enjoyed making people laugh. But in order for me to be funny, I have to get ticked off about something.

My dad was proud of himself when he farted. He sounds like he's strangling a chicken when he farts.

It is now well known, however, that men enter local politics solely as a result of being unhappily married.

How come they don't think you can handle a new story out of the blue on the TV news? They gotta make a little lame segue. "Hey, that's a big lotto jackpot! Speaking of lotto, there was a lot o' crime in the city today."

I think weddings are sadder than funerals, because they remind you of your own wedding. You can't be reminded of your own funeral because it hasn't happened. But weddings always make me cry.

At present there are such goings-on that everything is at a standstill.

I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

England occupies a warm spot in my affections. It was the scene of my greatest performance. I was born there.

Not that they were that anxious to see Ronnie as President; they were afraid if he didn't get elected, he'd go back to acting.

Golf's really fun in Japan because of the women caddies. ... I saw one guy start out playing alone with his caddie. By the 9th hole they were engaged and when they finished on 18 they had a foursome.

As the colonel and I sat swapping stories in the plane, a jet aircraft buzzed past our window. I asked the colonel what type of aircraft it was, and he said, "Don't worry about it, Bob. . . if you can see it, it's obsolete."