Funny Quotes - Page 275

We grow small trying to be great.

The printing press is either the greatest blessing or the greatest curse of modern times, sometimes one forgets which it is.

It might be said that it is the ideal of the employer to have production without employees and the ideal of the employee is to have income without work.

Eggs! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!

I don't see teenagers anymore. I see... I see youths. Slumped S shapes in their hoodies, all huddled round a bin of burning grannies. All texting eachother because they've given up on speech.

You cannot over estimate how infantile men are about sex! Men are people that have sex BECAUSE they have a headache... or are on fire, or have been shot in the head, or whatever it is!

You learn very very quickly that it is mostly about swearing, actually. That's all you're doing, swearing, in a box with wheels.

Tequila? It's not even a drink. It's a way for having the cops around without using a phone.

How dare you little jabroni come onto The Rock shows Smackdown and run your mouth about how your the game, well The Rock says, if you are the game then you quite frankly you need to go back to the drawing board cause your game absolutely sucks!

You wanna do this...you wanna go right now...do you want to, GO?...then go get The Rock a bologna sandwich because this doesn't concern you.

I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil". Are you a president or an exorcist?!

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.

I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.

In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'

He is a writer for the ages, the ages of four to eight.

You might be a cunning linguist, but I am a master debater.

Be kind and considerate to others, depending somewhat upon who they are.

I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.

Jet lag is for amateurs.

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?

The best pitch I ever heard about cocaine was back in the early eighties when a street dealer followed me down the sidewalk going: I got some great blow man. I got the stuff that killed Belushi.

Coffee doesn't need a menu, it needs a cup. That's all it needs! Maybe a saucer underneath the cup — that's it.

First law on holes - when you're in one, stop digging!