Funny Quotes - Page 272

You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.

Some people say Larry the Cable Guy's only successful because he's pandering to the lowest common denominator, blatantly and not ironically exploiting people's racist and homophobic tendencies. Don't listen to these people, Larry. They're just bitter and jealous and right.

The opening ceremony was good, although I missed it.

There is nothing the matter with Americans except their ideals. The real American is all right; it is the ideal American who is all wrong.

It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down... Why do we laugh? Because it is a grave religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.

I'm the decider, and I decide what is best.

Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.

Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

Thank you, your Holiness. Awesome speech.

I'd like to start a religion. That's where the money is.

The secret of a successful restaurant is sharp knives.

What beefsteak is to Argentina, flamenco to Spain, cool reserve and self-control in all situations to an Englishman, what vodka is to a Russian and beer to a Bavarian, what money is to a Swiss, that is outdoor-life to an Australian. It is a noble mania, better than vodka, better than cool reserve, better than money.

Long before the word Zionism was uttered for the first time, old religious Jews came from all over the world to die in Jerusalem. It is the finest place to die in - it has always been acknowledged. It has a joie de mourir quite its own.

At the factory, I deal with ex-cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers. And I'm not just talking about my mom.

This is L.A. You wanna learn Spanish? Take the bus.

Some old women and men grow bitter with age; the more their teeth drop out, the more biting they get.

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

I can prove anything by statistics except the truth.

How can I die? I'm booked.

I thought to myself, 'why not write a bestseller?' In the first place, more people buy them and more people read them. You make more money and it doesn’t take any more time to write a bestseller than it does to write a book nobody buys.

The average age (longevity) of a meat eater is 63. I am on the verge of 85 and still work as hard as ever. I have lived quite long enough and am trying to die; but I simply cannot do it. A single beef-steak would finish me; but I cannot bring myself to swallow it. I am oppressed with a dread of living forever. That is the only disadvantage of vegetarianism.

Let a short Act of Parliament be passed, placing all street musicians outside the protection of the law, so that any citizen may assail them with stones, sticks, knives, pistols or bombs without incurring any penalties.