Funny Quotes - Page 270

I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open

I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia.

You ever buy a book and not read it? You feel almost guilty having it up on a bookshelf. People are like, "Hey, how's that book?" "I haven't read it." "Oh, did you just buy it?" "I've had it since high school." "Well, can I borrow it?" "No."

The big advantage of a book is that it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.

Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy? "Clear out, everybody. I'm working with pills up here. I'm taking them from this big bottle and then I'm gonna put them in the little bottle. That's my whole job. I can't be down on the floor with you people."

Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for some reason when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the woman he's with is like an exit, but he doesn't want to get off there. He wants to keep driving. And the woman is like, "Look, gas, food, lodging, that's our exit, that's everything we need to be happy... Get off here, now!" But the man is focusing on the sign underneath that says, "Next exit 27 miles," and he thinks, "I can make it."

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

Idleness, like kisses, to be sweet must be stolen.

I dress like an old woman in my real life. If you're having conversations with people, you don't want them to remember you as the girl with the tits, You want them to pay attention to what you're saying

My hair has never been my greatest feature, so that was funny enough unto itself that my hair became so focused on.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

The Opera is obviously the first draft of a fine spectacle; it suggests the idea of one.

The sad thing about artificial intelligence is that it lacks artifice and therefore intelligence.

You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.

There are some quite funny things about getting famous and stuff, but I think there comes a point where you have to think to yourself, "Well, am I doing this because I want to go to a party and meet Britney Spears? Or am I doing it because I want to create something that excites me?"

Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.

Every man is surrounded by a neighborhood of voluntary spies.

You know what? I never really factor Hollywood into anything. I'm a black actor, so I can't really control what Hollywood thinks. I gotta go do my thing, and my jokes have got to be funny. Whatever I do has got to be great.

The funny thing is, I've never really hurt myself in an action movie. I've done 'Wanted,' 'X-Men,' 'Welcome To The Punch,' even 'Trance' to a certain extent has little bits of action and stuff, but I've never really hurt myself at all - not even like a sprained ankle.

The California cemeteries make dying sound so attractive it's a real effort to keep breathing.

Golf is a better game played downhill.

Of all the trees we could've hit, we had to get one that hits back.

I think I'll just go down and have some pudding and wait for it all to turn up - it always does in the end.

The only true love is love at first sight; second sight dispels it.

I think becoming an actor because it's a ridiculously insecure profession to go into. I feel very comfortable but very lucky. I think any time that you imagine that it's plain sailing for hereon in, then you're kidding yourself.