Funny Quotes - Page 267

I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so do I!" "Then let's form a club." "OK, but we need some more stipulations. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle, and in the middle we will dump chips." "How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed."

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying "I don't want to bore you with the details".

My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.

It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.

Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.

My main objective is to be professional but to kill him.

When you're in a relationship with someone who's selfish, what keeps you in it is the fact that when they shine on you, it's this souped-up shine. And you feel like you're in the club. And you don't even know what club it is. You just know you want to stay in it.

I don't drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy.

All women are basically in competition with each other for a handful of eligible men.

I love America, but I can't spend the whole year here. I can't afford the taxes.

My mom always complains about my lack of a boyfriend. Well, next time she asks, I'm going to tell her I'm dating two different guys-Mr Duracell and Mr Energizer.

Marriage, a market which has nothing free but the entrance.

I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room

Look, I don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you're not alive.

Boys in their twenties are a waste of time. They have nothing to offer conversationally; they're immature. I feel like I have a better shot with someone in his thirties.

If people only knew how much I secretly hated them, they'd love me for holding it in.

While conscience is our friend, all is at peace; however once it is offended, farewell to a tranquil mind.

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.

The funniest things are the forbidden.

The report of my death was an exaggeration.

There has been much tragedy in my life; at least half of it actually happened.

It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.

Housework is like bad sex. Every time I do it I swear I will never do it again. Until the next time company comes.

There is nothing so absurd that some philosopher has not already said it.

They are not testing comics for drugs. If our job is dependent on that, there would be three working comics in the country, and two of them would have puppets.