Funny Quotes - Page 264

The human brain is a funny thing: it's very susceptible to tempo and melody. You put the right words to it, and it becomes very influential.

Why would you clone people when you can go to bed with them and make a baby? C'mon, it's stupid.

Whenever I call a company and get put on hold, I never really feel like I'm being held.

Do your work, but do your thing.

The torpid artist seeks inspiration at any cost, by virtue or by vice, by friend or by fiend, by prayer or by wine.

Keeping up with the Joneses was a full-time job with my mother and father. It was not until many years later when I lived alone that I realized how much cheaper it was to drag the Joneses down to my level.

Ethical dilemmas have a way of sneaking up on a person. If something smells funny, stay away from it. Or help get rid of it.

This City is what it is because our citizens are what they are.

Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

This is a free country, madam. We have a right to share your privacy in a public place.

Laughter would be bereaved if snobbery died.

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.

Scientists have determined that the most irritating sound to the human ear is the sound of a knife cutting a glass bottle. And the second-worst sound is a fork scratching a glass bottle. Evidently they did all their research at the Picnic for Morons.

I was thinking that we all learn by experience, but some of us have to go to summer school.

If some beggar steals a bridle he'll be hung by a man who's stolen a horse.

Life is like the stock market. Some days you're up. Some days you're down. And some days you feel like something the bull left behind.

The embarrassing thing is that my salad dressing is out-grossing my films.

Airplane Law, The: When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.

I joke around a lot about the manic times because they're funny. We manics do outrageous things and it is part of our colorful nature.

You don't have to be an heiress to look like one, if you act like one then everyone will just presume you are one.

For toddlers I suggest leaving their mittens on year-round, indoors and out. That way they can't get into aspirin bottles, liquor cabinets, or boxes of kitchen matches.

The sky was so clear that the starlight cast shadows, and so many sparkles and glitters and glints appeared above us that it looked like something really expensive had been dropped and shattered in heaven - God's Steuben ashtray, maybe.

Each American embassy comes with two permanent features - a giant anti-American demonstration and a giant line for American visas. Most demonstrators spend half their time burning Old Glory and the other half waiting for green cards.