Funny Quotes - Page 263

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

Give me a kiss, and to that kiss a score: Then to that twenty, add a hundred more.

And who are the greater criminals-those who sell the instruments of death, or those who buy them and use them?

I guess I didn't enjoy drawing very much. It was like homework.

Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.

Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.

America: It's like Britain, only with buttons.

My knees on the ground, dear father, don't let me break, please make me stronger.

Always try to grow in your garden some plant or plants out of the ordinary, something your neighbors never attempted. For you can receive no greater flattery than to have a gardener of equal intelligence stand before your plant and ask, "What is that?"

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'

We shall reach greater and greater platitudes of achievment.

The next time you find yourself in an argument, rather than defend your position, see if you can see the other point of view first.

Man is the inventor of stupidity.