Funny Quotes - Page 261

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars

An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them.

There's nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home.

My true friends have always given me that supreme proof of devotion, a spontaneous aversion for the man I loved.

My inner child is not wounded.

It's a lot of bling to play with. You got to have the bling.

Learn the lick, but learn FROM the lick.

You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'm not. I say its a free country and you should be able to kill yourself at any rate you choose, as long as your cold dead body is not blocking my driveway.

I used to be stupid but I've turned that situation around 360 degrees.

The body, she says, is subject to the force of gravity. But the soul is ruled by levity, pure.

Whether 60 or 16, there is in every human being's heart the lure of wonder, the unfailing child-like appetite of what's next, and the joy of the game of living. In the center of your heart and my heart there is a wireless station; so long as it receives messages of beauty, hope, cheer, courage and power from men and from God, so long are you young.

Fly-fishing may be a very pleasant amusement; but angling or float fishing I can only compare to a stick and a string, with a worm at one end and a fool at the other.

For your information, I would like to ask a question.

Let's have some new cliches.