Funny Quotes - Page 258

Sir one more comment like that and I will strangle you with my microphone wire!

I woke up my pop in the middle of the night 'cause the boogie man's under my bed. My pop is this big, huge man, nothing can hurt him. I went running into his bedroom like, 'Daddy, Daddy, the boogie man's under the bed!' Pop opens one eye, he's like, 'Is the boogie man bigger than me?' 'Well, no Daddy, he's not.' 'Well, you got your choice: you can deal with the boogie man or you can deal with me.'

Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.

A jury too often has at least one member more ready to hang the panel than to hang the traitor.

There is only one thing worse than training employees and losing them, and that's not training them and keeping them

A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.

My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

It's never happened in the World Series competition, and it still hasn't.

I'd say he's done more than that.

It ain't the heat, it's the humility.

He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light.

Ninety percent of putts that are short, don't go in.

We made too many wrong mistakes.

I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!

Nothing is like it seems, but everything is exactly like it is.

In Russia, if a male athelete loses he becomes a female athelete.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

Meanwhile, the minute you put on the dotted line your Sam Hancock - and before a notary - you'll not only get the negative but Elsie makes a wonderful stuffed cabbage which we'll include gratis a few portions but return the jars please.

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

Sygmnd was a poor Austrian who'd lost all the vowels in his name in a boating accident.