Funny Quotes - Page 256

What a sad business is being funny!

There's a difference between a philosophy and a bumper sticker.

A well known American writer said once that, while everybody talked about the weather, nobody seemed to do anything about it.

What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it.

... I had a latent impression that there was something decidedly fine in Mr. Wopsle's elocution - not for old associations' sake, I am afraid, but because it was very slow, very dreary, very up-hill and down-hill, and very unlike any way in which any man in any natural circumstances of life or death ever expressed himself about anything.

I was always treated as if I had insisted on being born, in opposition to the dictates of reason, religion, and morality, and against the dissuadinig arguments of my best friends.

We're just playing basketball. It's not like we're going out to have unprotected sex with Magic.

Nations have come under the control of haters and fools.

Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?

Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee.

I first became interested in women and religion when I was one of the few women doing graduate work in Religious Studies at Yale University in the late 1960's.

My advice to any diplomat who wants to have good press is to have two or three kids and a dog.

In democracy both a deep reverence and a sense of the comic are requisite.

The government will pay certain farmers to not grow corn. Wow. Where's my check? That'd be great. "Hey, what do you do for a living?" "Well, I don't grow corn. Get up at the crack of noon, make sure there's no corn growing. I'm gonna get up early tomorrow. And not plow. You know, we used to not grow tomatoes-but there's more money in not growing corn."

I was never over-weight, just under-tall. The correct height for my weight at the moment is seven feet ten and a half inches.

The Kenyans haven't done much in the last two games, in fact they haven't competed since 1972

The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch and one on the throttle.

After the 1984 Summer Olympics, Reagan wanted to add the U.S. volleyball team to his Cabinet. He figured if they can't shove his programs down Congress' throat, nobody can.

And on nearby islands, the Japanese army was eating raw fish. We felt sorry for them. We didn't know that in America after the war, you wouldn't be able to get into a sushi joint without a reservation. And we thought they lost.

It's a wonderful way to live, and not a bad way to go, either. The average Frenchman is still smiling three months after he's dead.

Somebody should tell Jerry Falwell that God is an Independent . . . he's not rich enough to be a Republican.

I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost... my virginity.

On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?

Often it takes some calamity to make us live in the present. Then suddenly we wake up and see all the mistakes we have made.