Funny Quotes - Page 253

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

Important families are like potatoes. The best parts are underground.

I know not what tomorrow will bring.

Time will explain it all. He is a talker, and needs no questioning before he speaks.

Not Carnegie, Vanderbilt, and Astor together could have raised money enough to buy a quarter share in my little dogs.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

Our attention span is shot. We've all got Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD or OCD or one of these disorders with three letters because we don't have the time or patience to pronounce the entire disorder. That should be a disorder right there, TBD - Too Busy Disorder.

'Tis the set of the sail that decides the goal, and not the storm of life.

Dogs who chase cars evidently see them as large, unruly ungulates badly in need of discipline and shepherding.

God never slams a door in your face without opening a box of Girl Scout cookies.

With age come the inner, the higher life. Who would be forever young, to dwell always in externals?

God is glorified, not by our groans, but by our thanksgivings.

None of us can boast about the morality of our ancestors. The record does not show that Adam and Eve were ever married.

If I were invited to a dinner party with my characters, I wouldn't show up.

Yeah, I spent about 20 years in a dorm room. It took me a while to graduate.

I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.

Men at forty Learn to close softly The doors to rooms they will not be Coming back to.

It takes all sorts of people to make the underworld.

A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.

Yes, he's got all them different kinds of thoroughbred blood in him, and he's got other kinds you ain't mentioned and that you ain't slick enough to see.

The American Dream is not to own your own home, but to get your kids out of it.