Funny Quotes - Page 250

When a work appears to be ahead of its time, it is only the time that is behind the work.

I guess you heard about this; the U.S. Olympic Committee is coming under fire after it was revealed that the uniforms for Team USA to be worn in the opening ceremony were made in China. Turns out they were made by some of the same kids who could beat us in gymnastics. That's the worst part.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.

The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.

There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.

What is algebra exactly; is it those three-cornered things?

Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex, you thought of nothing else if you didn't have it and thought of other things if you did.

I've never laughed a woman into bed, but I've laughed one out of bed many times.

OH NO YOU DON’T, LADDIE!” Harry spun around. Professor Moody was limping down the marble staircase. His wand was out and it was pointing right at a pure white ferret, which was shivering on the stone-flagged floor, exactly where Malfoy had been standing.

Art is what separates us from the animals.

If you are going to sin, sin against God, not the bureaucracy. God will forgive you but the bureaucracy won't.

What medicines do not heal, the lance will; what the lance does not heal, fire will.

Many readers judge of the power of a book by the shock it gives their feelings - as some savage tribes determine the power of muskets by their recoil; that being considered best which fairly prostrates the purchaser.

Every man should have a fair-sized cemetary in which to bury the faults of his friends.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.

Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.

A fool and her money are soon courted.

In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar - a practice which is still continued.

When a man makes a woman his wife it's the highest compliment he can pay her – and usually it's the last.

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad.