Funny Quotes - Page 247

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.

The best actors do not let the wheels show.

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn't be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article "Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I'm So Drunk."

Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong. Bears know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why they kill you.

Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs. They come up to you and say "You gotta dance! you gotta dance!" And then I dance, and they're like, "Not like that!"

Never trust a man in red trousers

Love requires a willingness to die; marriage, a willingness to live.

What we love about love is the fever, which marriage puts to bed and cures.

Men never know how tired they are till their wives sit them down for a nice long talk.

Zac Efron is my obsession, we're the same person. We're not actually here, it's like Janet and Michael Jackson. He just puts on his wig and a dress, and it's me, and you don't know that. It's one of the greatest mysteries of all time.

I've never been a big believer in formal education.

Save your rejections so that later when you are famous you can show them to people and laugh.

My Scottie refused to go for a walk with a friend of the house, but she would joyously accompany any stranger who drove a car.

Nobody ever died of laughter.

You know they invented wheelbarrows to teach FAA inspectors to walk on their hind legs.

If anything is worth doing, it is worth doing it badly.

Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" - which is but a matter of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but the wise man saith, "Pull all your eggs in the one basket and - WATCH THAT BASKET." - Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar

Yesterday, everybody smoked his last cigar, took his last drink and swore his last oath. Today, we are a pious and exemplary community. Thirty days from now, we shall have cast our reformation to the winds and gone to cutting our ancient shortcomings considerably shorter than ever.

The average American may not know who his grandfather was. But the American was, however, one degree better off than the average Frenchman who, as a rule, was in considerable doubt as to who his father was.

All Congresses and Parliaments have a kindly feeling for idiots, and a compassion for them, on account of personal experience and heredity.

If I cannot smoke in heaven, then I shall not go.

You may say a cat uses good grammar. Well, a cat does -- but you let a cat get excited once; you let a cat get to pulling fur with another cat on a shed, nights, and you'll hear grammar that will give you the lockjaw. Ignorant people think it's the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it's the sickening grammar they use.

At 50, a man can be an ass without being an optimist but not an optimist without being an ass

I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial 'we.'