Funny Quotes - Page 244

I just don't see myself as a travel writer. I can't. I don't.

Carpe per diem - seize the check.

We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have to get rid of dictators,' but he's pretty much one himself.

People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.

Umm thanks for the phone. I think I already broke it.

I cut my own hair. I got sick of barbers because they talk too much. And too much of their talk was about my hair coming out.

You can't get too much winter in the winter.

I guess the only thing to do now is meet his parents. I'm sure they're decent people. I mean they gotta be if they named their son Gaylord Focker.

Sometimes two people stay together for the sake of the kids - two kids who sat under a full moon and pledged to be forever true.

As to the Seven Deadly Sins, I deplore Pride, Wrath, Lust, Envy and Greed. Gluttony and Sloth I pretty much plan my day around.

The ideal age for a boy to own a dog is between forty-five and fifty.

Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case; ten people see him it's a cult; ten million people see him it's a respected religion.

We're going to start with the injury report, obviously. Manning, Clark, Addai, Reggie Wayne, Freeney, Mathis, Brackett - all those guys will not play. Oh, hold up. That was my wish list for Santa Claus.

When you wake up one day and say, "You know what? I don't think I ever need to sleep or have sex again." Congratulations, you're ready (to have children).

I was once knocked out by a Mexican bantamweight - six of my pals were swinging him around by his heels at the time.

Laughing, how can you fall asleep? It brings a state of no-mind and no-thought, and does not allow you to fall asleep.

An autobiography is an obituary in serial form with the last installment missing.

If a thing isn't worth saying, you sing it.

History repeats itself. Historians repeat each other.

You define a good flight by negatives: you didn't get hijacked, you didn't crash, you didn't throw up, you weren't late, you weren't nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.

I've noticed a funny thing about people who are over-weight. They spend all their time thinking about food -except when they're actually eating it