Funny Quotes - Page 241

As he was valiant, I honour him. But as he was ambitious, I slew him.

Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows.

Sometimes I feel like the fire hydrant looking at a pack of dogs.

There is no insanity so devastating in man's life as utter sanity.

My father was one-eighth Cherokee indian and my mother was quarter-blood Cherokee. I never got far enough in arithmetic to figure out how much injun that made me, but there's nothing of which I am more proud than my Cherokee blood.

We don't seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business?

The Dodo never had a chance. He seems to have been invented for the sole purpose of becoming extinct and that was all he was good for.

Governments need to have both shepherds and butchers.

There are men who can think no deeper than a fact.

Serenity of spirit and turbulence of action should make up the sum of a man's life.

Read (this book), smile, enjoy, and if you happen to learn something along the way, don't get upset.

Anyone who takes himself too seriously always runs the risk of looking ridiculous; anyone who can consistently laugh at himself does not.

It's a scientific fact that if you stay in California you lose one point of your IQ every year.

It's funny - if you impersonate somebody, they have no idea it's them.

I am on the right wing of the middle of the road and with a strong radical bias.

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two to forty feet.

Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.

His herding instinct is so strong that he confuses tractors on a baseball field for sheep. He was hospitalized twice. Once by a line drive and once for attacking a tractor tread.

I want to go to there.

In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, "People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea."

Humility is so shy. If you begin talking about it, it leaves.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.