Funny Quotes - Page 240

No woman really wants a man to carry her off; she only wants him to want to do it.

God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects to receive it.

A cause may be inconvenient, but it's magnificent. It's like champagne or high heels, and one must be prepared to suffer for it.

Procrastination is suicide on the installment plan.

The field of consciousness is tiny. It accepts only one problem at a time.

Don't let love interfere with your appetite. It never does with mine.

My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.

Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.

Life is the most exciting opportunity we have. But we have one shot. You graduate from college once, and that's it. You're going out of that nest. And you have to find that courage that's deep, deep, deep in there. Every step of the way.

Life's more amusing than we thought.

Architect. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.

Pride is a funny thing; it can make what is truly worthless appear to be a treasure.

Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

Happiness is like coke — something you get as a by-product in the process of making something else.

When a puppy takes fifty catnaps in the course of the day, he cannot always be expected to sleep the night through.

I had to have a brace because I had big teeth. If I'd gone to Africa I would have got poached.

Humor brings insight and tolerance. Irony brings a deeper and less friendly understanding.

Sixth grade was a big time, in my childhood, of hoops and friendship, and coming up with funny things.

A man and his dog is a sacred relationship. What nature hath put together let no woman put asunder.

My nursery school did a production of 'The Three Little Pigs.' I played the third pig. When the wolf knocked on my door, I refused to get up and answer it because, to me, he was knocking the wrong way. I just lay there, snoring away on stage, fully immersed in my character. My dad turned to my mom and said: 'Dustin Hoffman.'

I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.

How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name.

I've been vegan for about 10 and a half years. It's been all good. I'm obviously much healthier

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

All imperfection is easier to tolerate if served up in small doses.