Funny Quotes - Page 242

Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, "And let there be aluminum siding." Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree's on a golf course, all the better.

Good Americans, when they die, go to Paris.

The old cathedrals are good, but the great blue dome that hangs over everything is better.

'Don't think of it as dying,' said Death. 'Just think of it as leaving early to avoid the rush.'

If you have enough book space, I don't want to talk to you.

Real life is a funny thing, you know. In real life saying the right thing at the right time is beyond crucial.

He who drinks a tumbler of London water has literally in his stomach more animated beings than there are men, women, and children on the face of the globe.

The two women exchanged the type of glance women use when there is no knife handy.

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'.

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

It should feel genuinely good to earn income from your blog - you should be driven by a healthy ambition to succeed. If your blog provides genuine value, you fully deserve to earn income from it.

You know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies.

I saw the movie, 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' and was surprised because I didn't see any tigers or dragons. And then I realized why: they're crouching and hidden.

The tragedy is that Dell didn't win it - we lost it.

I'm not going to make it a target, but it's something to aim for.

We make up horrors to help us cope with the real ones.

Success in almost any field depends more on energy and drive than it does on intelligence. This explains why we have so many stupid leaders.