Funny Quotes - Page 239

The United States is the greatest law factory the world has ever known.

The nephew revenges himself for this, by holding his breath and terrifying his kinswoman with the dread belief that he has made up his mind to burst. Regardless of whispers and shakes, he swells and becomes discoloured, and yet again swells and becomes discoloured, until the aunt can bear it no longer, but leads him out, with no visible neck, and with his eyes going before him like a prawn's.

She dotes on poetry, sir. She adores it; I may say that her whole soul and mind are wound up, and entwined with it. She has produced some delightful pieces, herself, sir. You may have met with her 'Ode to an Expiring Frog,' sir.

I have made up my mind that I must have money, Pa. I feel that I can't beg it, borrow it, or steal it; and so I have resolved that I must marry it.

Hearing Mass is the ceremony I most favor during my travels. Church is the only place where someone speaks to me and I do not have to answer back.

I think I'm the most underrated superstar that's out there, but that doesn't matter to me.

Scorsese, Spielberg, Tarantino, Peter Jackson - all of you: I'm here, I'm ready. I can do funny faces, I can sing, I can dance. Hire me!

Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom.

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

It got up to 94 degrees today – that's pretty good at my age.

Free speech isn't dead in Germany and Italy, merely the speakers.

I love you like a gay geneticist loves designer genes.

I'd worship the ground you walked on if only you walked in a better neighborhood.

Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I think its bollocks!!

I let my mind wander and it didn't come back.

I can't watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.

Oh sorry, I was taking life seriously.

Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.

I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'

Thank God for Darwin, eh?

I never know how much of what I say is true.

I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me.

Every man has a right to be conceited until he is successful.

It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.