Funny Quotes - Page 236

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

She didn't need to go to acting school to learn that the essence of acting is to act like you're not acting.

I'd have to be superman to do some of the things I'm supposed to have done, I've been at six different places at six different times.

It's just as unpleasant to get more than you bargain for as to get less.

NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he says is wrong. GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says will be right.

A fashion is nothing but an induced epidemic.

I still don't understand why when you put a piece of paper in a tray with solution in it, it comes up. It's still, in a sense, magic to me. It's a funny thing, you know. I've got two kids, and when they were very young, they used to come in the darkroom and I thought they'd be astounded by that. Nothing. When they got a little older, then they got astounded by it.

I think any time people behave in a way that's truly them, then they'll never fail. You get in trouble when you try to copy others.

That's what cricket's all about: two batsmen pitting their wits against one another

During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

Does anyone actually think that Beckham knows he's in America? I think he just follows a football and all he notices is that it occasionally gets warmer.

If you really love guitar, you're going to spend every waking hour stroking the thing.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

We've put more effort into helping folks reach old age than into helping them enjoy it.

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

Dear dad, you always told me that an honest man has nothing to fear, so I'm trying my best not to be afraid.

Bring down the curtain, the farce is over

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling.

The only good husbands stay bachelors: They're too considerate to get married.

It is in the thirties that we want friends. In the forties we know they won't save us any more than love did.