Funny Quotes - Page 234

The Second Law of Thermodynamics: If you think things are in a mess now, just wait!

That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood.

I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators.

Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the kitchen.

Fox-terriers are born with about four times as much original sin in them as other dogs.

Why can't I say anything normal?

Hardly any animal can look as deeply disappointed as a dog to whom one says "no."

[about sex and being married] It's like being the National Guard, we may not be seeing as much action as the front line, but we are living to fight another day.

Plant and your spouse plants with you; weed and you weed alone.

Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you.

Our birthdays are feathers in the broad wing of time.

Forty million Americans smoked marijuana; the only ones who didn’t like it were Judge Ginsberg, Clarence Thomas and Bill Clinton.

It's fun when you're driving, and people wave at you, and you wave back. I think you either like people or you don't. I mean, I don't want to put on sunglasses. That's why I'm in show business.

If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.

I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.

Hollywood, we decided, was a nice place to die, but we wouldn't want to live there.

I always thought of this as God's country.

When in doubt, blow something up.

Excuse me, are you the imprint of a departed soul?

Selfish men make the best lovers. They're prepared to invest in the women's pleasures so that they can collect an even bigger dividend for themselves.

Football players, like prostitutes, are in the business of ruining their bodies for the pleasure of strangers.

I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.

To kill a relative of whom you are tired is something. But to inherit his property afterwards, that is genuine pleasure.

When there is an old maid in the house, a watchdog is unnecessary.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.