Funny Quotes - Page 232

You can't eat a winner's plaque.

My friends drink everywhere. They even drink at the laundromat. I tried drinking at the laundromat, and I thought I was in a submarine, navigating the Sea of White Panties with my Spanish-speaking crew. I was like, "Mrs. Sanchez, set the coordinates to Permanent Press! Give me some quarters and another drink! This place is starting to look like a laundromat."

I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.

Pitching is 80% of the game and the other half is hitting and fielding.

I really like it. I really, really like it. Ah, ah, ah, ah...buried alive...buried alive.

Keep your hand on the helm.

Comedy, like sodomy, is an unnatural act.

We enjoy sailing small boats, two of which I have designed and built myself.

The morning after my high-school graduation found me up early job hunting. The dream of college I put on the back burner.

Nothing helps scenery like bacon and eggs.

whenever the literary german dives into a sentence, this is the last you are going to see of him till he emerges on the other side of his atlantic with his verb in his mouth.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.

No real estate is permanently valuable but the grave.

Let us swear while we may, for in heaven it will not be allowed

I have been born more times than anybody except Krishna.

Even a stopped clock is right twice every day. After some years, it can boast of a long series of successes.

No sane man will dance.

Not to have control over the senses is like sailing in a rudderless ship, bound to break to pieces on coming in contact with the very first rock.

I always say, keep a diary and someday it'll keep you.

I have found men who didn't know how to kiss. I've always found time to teach them.

Give a man free hands, and you'll know where to find them.

I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.

Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'.

I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase. You know, something like Ladies and Gentlemen. That'll be a cool name for a kid. This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen! Then, when he gets out of hand, I get to go, Ladies and Gentlemen, please!