Funny Quotes - Page 233

Most people sell their souls, and live with a good conscience on the proceeds.

That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.

There's no such thing as 'hard sell' and 'soft sell.' There's only 'smart sell' and 'stupid sell.'

Volleyball, I could be pretty good. After a few practices I could be that striker, or whatever they call it.

Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively.

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.

That's the funniest thing about portraying certain things on screen, sitting next to your parents and they get to see this glimpse of me kissing another guy.

I don't know why small chocolates are called fun-sized; I mean, if I called a midget fun-sized, they'd kick off.

Even I don't know what you're doing, and I know everything.

Light and funny has a more compelling quality when you're younger. But I haven't abandoned the genre: I love falling down; I love Lucille Ball. It's just that a lot of those stories revolve around problems that I can't convincingly portray at this age.

They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.

There were many times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.

That's a funny thing, fame. People definitely do treat you differently. When you begin to be successful, people say, 'Don't go changing.' Well, that's easy to say, but the fact is, you don't change at all -- other people do.

That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

School is where you go between when your parents can't take you and industry can't take you.

He would have scored a touchdown if he hadn't been tackled right there.

Heath Slater, or the chick from Wendy's

On his teenage son: To be honest, I'm not sure the same kid comes home each night.

I write the songs first and in most cases teach myself the technique second.

Comedy is a funny thing, and it's really not like any other art form in that it's very specialized and varied in it's content, but generic in it's title. You would never go to a club just to see "Live music," you would go to a jazz club to see jazz, a blues club to see blues, etc. But when you go to see "standup comedy," if you don't know the performers material, you really don't have any idea what you're gonna get.

Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'

I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'

The favorite to win the Olympic gold medal in archery is a legally blind athlete from South Korea, mainly because everyone else is too scared to compete next to him.

I hate music, especially when it's played.

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.