Funny Quotes - Page 235

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.

Mothers are the most instinctive philosophers.

When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.

The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated.

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

Beauty fades! I just turned 29, so I probably don't have that many good years left in me.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication

I love to eat. That's why I got so fat; I love to eat. If I don't walk away from a meal hurting, I didn't do it right. If I don't walk away from Thanksgiving dinner feeling like I've been turkey-f**ked in a gingerbread prison, I didn't do it right.

A young boy shouldn't be given up for hopeless just because he's lazy, surly, and good for nothing. Don't be discouraged by those things - maybe he's just trying to be like his daddy.

I always like a dog so long as he isn't spelled backward.

I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here.

In my sentences I go where no man has gone before.

There are many non-intellectual countries; Australia is one of the few anti-intellectual ones.

In Moscow they do not pay much attention to the living but keep their cemeteries in a splendid state.

The poor Americans are so busy defending the rights of Hindus in Pakistan, Moslems in India, Jews in Palestine, Koreans in Japan, Italians in Yugoslavia and Hungarians in Czechoslovakia that they simply cannot give a thought to Negroes in the United States.

We are now the proud owners of a white boy. Now we have to shop in the caucasian isle and get sunscreen, mayonaise and mild salsa because the other ones really hawt!

I can never do nothing in this house!

Things I wonder about the FBI's list of the "Ten Most Wanted" criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off the list, does number eleven automatically move up? And does he see it as a promotion? Does he call his criminal friends and say, "I made it, Bruno. I'm finally on the list"?

It's never just a game when you're winning.