Funny Quotes - Page 237

Please follow me because I have to follow him and he isn't here.

I don't mean to make you nervous, but unfortunately I have to.

Let me explain what I do here. I don't want to confuse you any more than absolutely necessary.

Somebody said that carrier pilots were the best in the world, and they must be or there wouldn't be any of them left alive.

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.

The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen that I didn't have to clean.

All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

Funny thing, your brain, how it always functions on one level or another. How, even stuck in some sort of subconcious limbo, it works your lungs, your muscle twitches, your heart, in fact, in symphony with your heart, allowing it to feel love. Pain. Jealousy. Guilt. I wonder if it’s the same for people, lost in comas. Is there really such a thing

Too much agreement kills a chat.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.

But with dogs, we do have "bad dog." Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!" The dog is saying, "Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!" "Well, if you put it that way, I think you’ve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry.

Even if a farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start.

I was fat! I was pustule-rich! I looked like a pink human grenade! When did I blossom into the irresistible little orchid that I am now? I don't know. Getting taller helps. It spreads out a bit.

Football is not a contact sport. Its a collision sport

I mean what good does it do anyone to kill themselves working, because the worms will get you in the end.

So, how did you all meet?

For lack of a better term, they've labeled me a sex symbol. It's flattering and it should happen to every bald, overweight guy.

I've eaten things that didn't complain this much.

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

As women slowly gain power, their values and priorities are reshaping the agenda. A multitude of studies show that when women control the family funds, they generally spend more on health, nutrition, and education - and less on alcohol and cigarettes.

I can play in the center, on the right and occasionally on the left side.