Funny Quotes - Page 243

I'm an unorthodox type of guy, a funny guy - at least I think I'm funny. And one of the things I like to do is come up with nicknames for myself.

If I talk to a girl, it's assumed that I'm having a scene with her. If I don't, then it's assumed that I'm gay.

She was what we used to call a suicide blonde - dyed by her own hand.

I probably am a cranky writer, but I am actually a fairly nice, normal person. Since I'm a grouchy writer, of course I have friends whose books are doing way better than mine.

I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls "the real way".

There is a statue of limitation.

They stayed away in droves.

I want to make a picture about the Russian secret police - the GOP.

If I were in this business only for the business, I wouldn't be in this business.

Don't pay any attention to the critics; don't even ignore them.

If life must not be taken too seriously, then so neither must death.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Our job is like a baker's work - his rolls are tasty as long as they're fresh; after two days they're stale; after a week, they're covered with mould and fit only to be thrown out.

Have you ever thought about letting Cheesus into your Life?

But when I don't smoke I scarcely feel as if I'm living. I don't feel as if I'm living unless I'm killing myself.

People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people have been left out of the pleasure.

I'm as poor as a church mouse, that's just had an enormous tax bill on the very day his wife ran off with another mouse, taking all the cheese.

I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."