Funny Quotes - Page 245

There's nothing like the eureka moment of knocking off a song that didn't exist before - I won't compare it to sex, but it lasts longer.

We might make a lot of money but, we also spend a lot of money.

What's a soup kitchen?

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.

I was told to hand over my disposable lighter, to prevent, I suppose, any threat of "Do what I say or I'll light this Marlboro and you'll all die - in thirty years due to inhalation of secondhand smoke."

France in August when you can travel through the entire country without encountering a single pesky Frenchman or being bothered with anything that's open for business.

Moscow has changed. I was here in 1982, during the Brezhnev twilight, and things are better now. For instance, they've got litter. In 1982 there was nothing to litter with.

Has anybody ever seen a dramatic critic in the daytime? Of course not. They come out after dark, up to no good.

Sudden success in golf is like the sudden acquisition of wealth. It is apt to unsettle and deteriorate the character.

It is fatal to let any dog know that he is funny, for he immediately loses his head and starts hamming it up.

The English have a miraculous power of turning wine into water.

The basis of action is lack of imagination. It is the last resource of those who know not how to dream.

If I am occasionally a little over-dressed, I make up for it by being always immensely over-educated.

The only way a woman can ever reform a man is by boring him so completely that he loses all possible interest in life.

This past Thanksgiving, my father was at the farm, and I had all 11 dogs in the house with a father who never allowed dogs in the house. And he got up to leave the table and came back and Solomon was in his chair. And he says, "This dog is in my chair." And I said, "It's the other way around, you're sitting in his chair."

Lawyers spend their professional careers shoveling smoke.

Nothing is so common-place as to wish to be remarkable.

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry

My dad had this thing - everyone in Canada wants to play hockey; that's all they want to do. So when I was a kid, whenever we skated my dad would not let us on the ice without hockey sticks, because of this insane fear we would become figure skaters!

I don't think I'd have done comedy if I was born eighty years ago I'd have been a lord. Shooting people that were on my land With a wig, yeah. And some crisps.

Many years ago I remember a famous actress explaining to me with perfect seriousness that before making an entrance she always stood aside to allow God to go on first. I can also remember that on that particular occasion He gave a singularly uninspired performance.

How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?

Some things are easier to legalize than to legitimate.

I have three kinds of friends: those who love me, those who pay no attention to me, and those who detest me.

He was the toast to her butter.