Funny Quotes - Page 248

When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped.

I think the reason Jesus is so popular, just on a celebrity level, is that he died at the peak of his career.

Goodness, what beautiful diamonds!' 'Goodness had nothing to do with it'.

March isn't the only thing that's in like a lion and out like a lamb.

Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

I might be in the basement. I'll go upstairs and check. We adore chaos because we love to produce order. I don't use drugs; my dreams are frightening enough.

Children when they ask you why your mama so funny say she is a poet she don't have no sense

The less one has to do, the less time one finds to do it in.

If sisters were free to express how they really feel, parents would hear this: "Give me all the attention and all the toys and send Rebecca to live with Grandma."

I don't diet. I just don't eat as much as I'd like to.

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.

Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"

Just relax and breathe through your ass.

Nothing is more apt to deceive us than our own judgment of our work. We derive more benefit from having our faults pointed out by our enemies than from hearing the opinions of friends.

The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't.

A month before graduation I got an off-Broadway job. Then I did some commercials, including one for MCI. You can only see half of me, but it paid well. Thank God for commercials.

Being seventy has its advantages. I was outspoken before, but now what have I got to keep quiet about?

He was of the faith chiefly in the sense that the church he currently did not attend was Catholic.

Reaganomics, that makes sense to me. It means if you don't have enough money, it's just because poor people are hoarding it.

The funny thing is, all my friends are short. I wasn't aware of tall people till I got to high school. I didn't know they existed. I was sheltered.

As long as you're remembering baby Jesus, does it matter when you're remembering him. That's what I'm saying about Christmas, I might not be in the mood for it December 25th.

Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain? I don't know if I'm in charge of mine.

I get mad at people who talk about traumatic job interviews, about going on one and getting rejected. I get rejected all the time and not only do I get rejected, but people have no problem being really specific about why I was rejected.

I only do one thing at a time; otherwise, I get confused and then I can't trick you.