Funny Quotes - Page 251

One man's folly is another man's wife.

I'm just not one of those naturally funny, relaxed actors who enjoy the spotlight and are so good at it.

Ladies pick funny things to be proud of.

The weasel under the cocktail cabinet.

A man always blames the woman who fools him. In the same way he blames the door he walks into in the dark.

Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ.

I go on working for the same reason that a hen goes on laying eggs.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

The dog is dressed just like me at the climax of my act.

And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Mr.Blank's reputation as a card shark had preceded him. No one accused him of being dishonest, but on the other hand no one accused him of being honest.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Television is now so desperately hungry for material that they're scraping the top of the barrel.

I don't want to have a bad influence on anybody, but there's no point in my giving up cigarettes now. I won't die young.

My money goes to my agent, then to my accountant and from him to the tax man.

The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself.

Australia objects to the mini-skirt not on moral but on economic grounds. Australians are no prudes and the lovely, healthy, sporty Australian girls have no reason to hide their knees and thighs. However, the mini-skirt is disastrous for the wool-trade.

Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.