Funny Quotes - Page 252

Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

Good news for senior citizens: Death is near!

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.

Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember fifty years ago. . .

At my age flowers scare me.

What is the use of straining after an amiable view of things, when a cynical view is most likely to be the true one?.

If you injure your neighbour, better not do it by halves.

If you can walk with your head in the clouds and keep your feet on the ground, you can make a million dollars in the NBA.

I always have a million things going on at once, but I try to put my energy into the most immediate need.

As a cabin boy on a Norwegian sailing ship I earned five kronen a week in addition to my keep.

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

Taxes, after all, are dues that we pay for the privileges of membership in an organized society.

When I heard Cristiano Ronaldo was pictured holding a manbag, I was surprised it was a gucci bag and not another guy's sack.

The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary a couple of weeks ago about tribal warfare among monkeys, that was all filmed in a Yates wine lodge in Dundee. Comic Relief is faked. Everybody in Africa is fine.

I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day... Chlamydia.

If Harry Potter's so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldnt need a broomstick to cling onto.

The owners of a dog which swallowed a diamond worth £12000 had to wait three days until it re-emerged. With a bit of planning it could have been a nice way to propose.

Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.