Funny Quotes - Page 255

Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What has pot given the world? Hackey sack? YEAH! Hilarious ring tones? OH GAH! Ultimate Frisbee Championships? It sucks to be a champion at a sport that can't get you laid. It's an unneeded skill like, I dunno, being the best banjo player. Or a squirter.

I'm an appalling cook. I can just about create a glass of orange juice and a ham-and-cheese sandwich.

It's not so much what you learn about Mumbai, it's what you learn about yourself, really. It's a funny old hippie thing, but it's true as well. You find out a lot about yourself and your tolerance, and about your inclusiveness.

Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.

I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.

Dealing with people is probably the biggest problem you face, especially if you are in business. Yes, and that is also true if you are a housewife, architect or engineer.

Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.

When music and courtesy are better understood and appreciated, there will be no war.

When superiors are fond of showing their humanity, inferiors try to outstrip one another in their practice of it.

The people may be made to follow a path of action but they may not be made to understand it.

Without knowing the force of words, it is impossible to know more.

Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.

You know how it is with writing. You just write what you want to write. There's no way to predict what is good or bad. You just do what you think is funny, and either it works or you're finished. It's impossible to predict anything.

If you cut Jamie Carragher open, he'll bleed red.

Spending all my remaining money on a ticket to Florence was rendered needlessly complicated by the fact that none of the ticket-sellers had ever heard of the place. At last their supervisor showed up and set them straight by informing them that the city they had always referred to as 'Firenze' was in reality called Florence.

Like most people who smoked umpteen cigarettes a day, I tasted only the first one. The succeeding umpteen minus one were a compulsive ritual which had no greater savour than the fumes of burning money.

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches - two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

You make good coffee . . . You're a slob, but you make good coffee.

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail.

My feeling is, if a dog is that hard up to break free, let it go. It's like a boyfriend who wants to break up. We all know the old adage "If you set someone free, and he never comes back, then he was never yours." I understand the main fear with setting dogs loose is they could get hit by a car, but so could an ex boyfriend. That's just a chance you have to take.