Funny Quotes - Page 254

I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.

And finally, and most importantly, the next time we go to war, don't give a specific reason for the war that the left can seize upon and later flog us with it ad nauseam, just do it. Remember, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don't talk about Fight Club.

A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to 35 and your job still requires you wear a nametag, you've probably made a serious vocational error.

Design has taken the place of what sailing used to be.

I want you to take away the hope because that's the thing that's killing me.

My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window.

Beyond its entertainment value, 'Baywatch' has enriched and, in many cases, helped save lives. I'm looking forward to the opportunity to continue with a project which has had such a significance for so many.

The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country.

Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had.

I always wanted to be a hairdresser.

In my experience, if you go to a hospital for any reason whatsoever, including to read the gas meter, they give you a tetanus shot.

I, alone, could never have produced this book. I say this mainly in case there are lawsuits.

The issue we are reluctant to talk about is even more sensitive than condoms. The issue - and I will try to be tasteful here - is that sometimes it seems like maybe the president of the United States is kind of dumb. If you get what I mean. What I mean is, I am not totally confident that the president would get what I mean, unless several aides explained it to him. And even then, he might forget.

Sailboats are the slowest form of transportation on Earth with the possible exeption of airline flights that go through O'Hare.

In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.

Mousse was a Labrador retriever, which is a large enthusiastic bulletproof species of dog made entirely from synthetic materials. This is the kind of dog that, if it takes an interest in your personal regions (which of course it does) you cannot fend it off with a blowtorch.

Europeans, like some Americans, drive on the right side of the road, except in England, where they drive on both sides of the road; Italy, where they drive on the sidewalk; and France, where if necessary they will follow you right into the hotel lobby.

I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.

I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.

So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.