Funny Quotes - Page 257

God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind that I will never die.

Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man's lifetime income - which he then spends sending his son to college.

Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don't want any gay people hanging around me while I'm killing kids. I just don't want to see it.

Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.

There are people who don't like capitalism, and people who don't like PCs. But there's no-one who likes the PC who doesn't like Microsoft.

As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed "Hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!"

I love it when mothers get so mad they can't remember your name. "Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga... what is your name, boy? And don't lie to me, because you live here, and I'll find out who you are."

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.

I will not retire while I've still got my legs and my make-up box.

Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.

Happy is the man with a wife to tell him what to do and a secretary to do it.

My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia

Do It Under the Influence Yourself! That's what we're shooting for! Get drunk and make your dreams come true.

One evening I sat Beauty on my knees – And I found her bitter – And I reviled her.

When it came to writing about wine, I did what almost everybody does - faked it

It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.

There is a foolish corner in the brain of the wisest man.

I always said if I ever get married, I would tell my woman - I love Michael Jordan, I am a Michael Jordan fanatic - I said, 'Michael Jordan is the only athlete you can sleep with and I wouldn't get mad, as long as you got something signed. You gotta bring back a ball, a hat or something. You can't just give away that sh*t for free.'

My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.

What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would ruin the country.

In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity.

Men at most differ as Heaven and Earth, but women, worst and best, as Heaven and Hell.

So heavy is the chain of wedlock that it needs two to carry it, and sometimes three.

We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.

Some of us worship in churches, some in synagogues, some on golf courses...