Funny Quotes - Page 259

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

I don't believe in an afterlife, but I'm taking an extra pair of underwear just in case.

Eating words has never given me indigestion.

You need to be silly to be funny.

It comes to pass oft that a terrible oath, with a swaggering accent sharply twanged off, gives manhood more approbation than ever proof itself would have earned him.

Life is as tedious as twice-told tale, vexing the dull ear of a drowsy man.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

If you want to live like a Republican, vote like a Democrat.

A hair in the head is worth two in the brush.

Inconceivable!" "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Tell me, was it you or your brother who was killed in the war?

Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.

Broad-minded is just another way of saying a fellow is too lazy to form an opinion.

There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income.

In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.

I've been to Paris. And it ain't that pretty at all.

You don't ever ask a barber whether you need a haircut.

The only time to buy these is on a day with no 'y' in it.

Now is the time for all good men to come to.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Old age is ready to undertake tasks that youth shirked because they would take too long.

There are three cardinal rules - don't take somebody else's boyfriend unless you've been specifically invited to do so, don't take a drink without being asked, and keep a scrupulous accounting in financial matters.

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

On the outskirts of every agony sits some observant fellow who points.