Funny Quotes - Page 262

This book has too much plot and not enough story.

That's the trouble with directors. Always biting the hand that lays the golden egg.

We're overpaying him, but he's worth it.

Give me a couple of years, and I'll make that actress an overnight success.

Gentlemen, include me out.

Any man who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.

Nobody asked how you looked, just what you shot.

Many wise words are spoken in jest, but they don't compare with the number of stupid words spoken in earnest.

What happened? Satan was busy?

Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.

It was dramatic to watch my grandmother decapitate a turkey with an ax the day before Thanksgiving. Nowadays the expense of hiring grandmothers for the ax work would probably qualify all turkeys so honored with gourmet status.

All sins are forgiven once you start making a lot of money.

The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.

Women are cursed, and men are the proof.

What we have found in this country, and maybe we're more aware of it now, is one problem that we've had, even in the best of times, and that is the people who are sleeping on the grates, the homeless, you might say, by choice.

One picture is worth 1,000 denials.

Old age is - a lot of crossed off names in an address book.

Being given chances, and not taking them. That's what life is all about.

Tenderness emerges from the fact that the two persons, longing, as all individuals do, to overcome the separateness and isolation to which we are all heir because we are individuals, can participate in a relationship that, for the moment, is not of two isolated selves but a union

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".

I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.