Funny Quotes - Page 260

When an opera star sings her head off? she usually improves her appearance.

You can't tell a millionaire's son from a billionaire's.

The haters always scream the loudest.

I like marriage. The idea.

The biggest liar in the world is the golfer who claims he plays the game for exercise.

I teach one semester a year, and this year I'm just teaching one course during that semester, a writing workshop for older students in their late 20s and early 30s, people in our graduate program who are already working on a manuscript and trying to bring it to completion.

I think someone should design exercise machines that reward people with sex at the end of their workouts, because people will perform superhuman feats for even the faint hope of that.

If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs.

According to a new study, women in satisfying marriages are less likely to develop cardiovascular diseases than unmarried women. So don't worry, lonely women, you'll be dead soon.

You can’t be that kid standing at the top of the waterslide, overthinking it. You have to go down the chute.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

Marriage is a bribe to make a housekeeper think she's a householder.

A drinker has a hole under his nose that all his money runs into.

I don't pretend to understand the Universe - it's a great deal bigger than I am.

The most prudent thing any intelligent animal can do, if it would prefer its descendents not to spend a lot of time on a slab with electrodes clamped to their brains or sticking mines on the bottom of ships, or being patronised by zoologists, is to make bloody certain humans don't find out about it.

Sheep are stupid, and have to be driven. But goats are intelligent, and need to be led.

I would never talk just to be social. Now, to sit down with a bunch of engineers and talk about the latest concrete forming systems, that's really interesting. Talking with animal behaviorists or with someone who likes to sail, that's interesting. Information is interesting to me. But talking for the sake of talking, I find that quite boring.

I'm keeping in shape, you know, gotta look good for the ladies - and certain guys. Hey, I can't control who's looking. I just gotta bring the heat.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.

A fool and his money are soon partying.