Funny Quotes - Page 249

We were wavering around like a ship without a sail.

If the apocalypse comes...beep me!

There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.

Men may change their climate, but they cannot change their nature. A man that goes out a fool cannot ride or sail himself into common sense.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

When we hold a World Championship for a particular sport, we invite teams from other countries to play as well.

I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

The follow your dreams thing is really important because so many people are railroaded into taking other paths by their family, their friends, people who should be supportive going, 'What are you talking about?' Even just seemingly regular career paths, but if it's not what people expect for you they kind of react funny.

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

As we celebrate Recovery Month, it is time for Congress to knock down the barriers to treatment and recovery for 26 million Americans suffering the ravages of alcohol and drug addiction.

There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future.

You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."

How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy's sitting there, like, "How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water."

Just because I rock doesn't mean I am made of stone.

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.

I've made a couple of mistakes I'd like to do over.

Rich Folkers is throwing 'em up in the bullpen.

I've never seen a game like this. Every game this year has been like this.

I'm sorry, I just did a shot

If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.

If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.