Funny Quotes - Page 246

He's too nervous to kill himself. He wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.

Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is most afraid of being raped?

Male comics are always coming up to me and they're like 'Hey Natasha. Don't you think you're a little attractive to be a comedian?' and I'm like 'Don't you think you're a little ugly to be talking to me?'

I refuse to admit that I am more than 52, even if that makes my children illegitimate.

As you can see, visually, with your eyes.

That's the first time he had started from the front row in a Grand Prix, having done so in Canada earlier this year.

I was there when I said it.

Let's stop the startwatch.

Hit them. Fight them. They are cursed; they are evil.

I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.

Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna, though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret.

Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.

They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, "Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!"

I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."

I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, "Gimme that", you better hand it over.

I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'!

I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" And then he said, "How many of you feel like animals?" The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question.

As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So if I'm at the top of a slide, I have to pretend that I got there accidentally. "How the hell did I get up here? I guess I have to slide down. Whee!" That's what you say when you're having fun. You refer to yourself and some other people.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.

I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips.

I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.

Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don't like that.