Funny Quotes - Page 268

People who can’t see without glasses should wear them.

There must be a goal at every stage of life! There must be a goal!

He who hesitates is a damned fool.

You can say what you like about long dresses, but they cover a multitude of shins.

You must always be puzzled by mental illness. The thing I would dread most, if I became mentally ill, would be your adopting a common sense attitude; that you could take it for granted that I was deluded.

History teaches us virtue, but nature never ceases to teachh us vice.

Separately there was only wind, water, sail, and hull, but at my hand the four had been given purpose and direction.

I abhor averages. I like the individual case. A man may have six meals one day and none the next, making an average of three meals per day, but that is not a good way to live.

When I was a kid, I used to imagine animals running under my bed. I told my dad, and he solved the problem quickly. He cut the legs off the bed.

Nothing can confound a wise man more than laughter from a dunce.

We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast.

Half the people in Hollywood are dying to be discovered and the other half are afraid they will be.

Excusing bad programming is a shooting offence, no matter what the circumstances.

I find it interesting how we get carried away by the dogma a-la-mode.

You know being relevant or coming up with something interesting, funny to say about what's current is just as hard as it might ever be depending on the serendipity of it all.

I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.

It was the coldest winter ever! I thought last winter was the coldest winter ever, but I was wrong now wasn't I? You see because I travel all the time. So last winter, I'd be in the midwest, and the blizzard would hit. And then I'd fly home, and the blizzard would hit again!

You want to know what it's like to be on a plane for 22 hours? Sit in a chair, squeeze your head as hard as you can, don't stop, then take a paper bag and put it over your mouth and nose and breath your own air over and over and over.

Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?

There's a little truth in all jive, and a little jive in all truth.

The greatest risk is to risk nothing at all

Television has changed the American child from an irresistable force to an immovable object.

Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other.

It's so bad being homeless in winter. They should go somewhere warm like the Caribbean where they can eat fresh fish all day.

I had this dream, and I really wanted to be a star. And I was almost a monster in the way that I was really fearless with my ambitions.