Funny Quotes - Page 271

Chord substitution isn't some mysterious religious sect.

Money gives me pleasure all the time.

Where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore?

Men go back to the mountains, as they go back to sailing ships at sea, because in the mountains and on the sea they must face up.

The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when one asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer.

A lawyer is a gentleman that rescues your estate from your enemies and then keeps it for himself.

Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again.

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Given a choice of weapons with you sir, I should choose grammar.

Wealth - any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

There comes a moment in the day when you have written your pages in the morning, attended to your correspondence in the afternoon, and have nothing further to do. Then comes that hour when you are bored; that's the time for sex.

The foods that are recommended today are as palatable as a steady diet of wet blotters.

The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.

Any place I hang my head is home.

Do they allow tipping on the boat? - Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? - Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.