Funny Quotes - Page 274

Riches are for spending.

People have discovered that they can fool the devil; but they can't fool the neighbors.

All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.

You know, I've always thought that it would be really funny if somebody made a romantic comedy where absolutely everything went well from beginning to end.

A husband is like a fire. He goes out when unattended.

That's the way Stravinsky was. Bup, bup, bup, bup. The poor guy's dead now. Play it legato.

When I have an idea, I turn down the flame, as if it were a little alcohol stove, as low as it will go. Then it explodes and that is my idea.

A beautiful vacuum filled with wealthy monogamists, all powerful and members of the best families all drinking themselves to death.

People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.

A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. "What shall we name the other one?" I smiled. She was not amused.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

I'm stupid, I'm ugly, I'm dumb, I smell. Did I mention I'm stupid?

I think my first album opened a lot of doors for me to push the freedom of speech to the limit.

Every time I think that I'm getting old, and gradually going to the grave, something else happens.

Funny thing about the monster. The worse he treats you, the more you love him.

You can always tell when the relationship is over. Little things start getting on your nerves, 'Would you please stop that! That breathing in and out, it's so repetitious.'

When you're fat, the world is divided into two groups - people who bug you and people who leave you alone. The funny thing is, supporters and saboteurs exist in either camp.

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

Friends: people who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them.

And the druids, they were into sex and death in an interesting night-time telly sort of way.

Marriage is a good deal like a circus: there is not as much in it as is represented in the advertising.

Many a man is saved from being a thief by finding everything locked up.