Funny Quotes - Page 273

Give women the vote, and in five years there will be a crushing tax on bachelors.

A doctor's reputation is made by the number of eminent men who die under his care.

One thing about golf is you don't know why you play bad and why you play good.

A friend who is near and dear may in time become as useless as a relative.

Like good wine, marriage gets better with age - once you learn to keep a cork in it.

What is that mountain goat doing way up here in the clouds?

I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.

I don't talk about my hair anymore because I've matured. I matured and realized it doesn't matter what you look like. It's what kind of hair you have inside that counts.

When men reach their sixties and retire, they go to pieces. Women go right on cooking.

Life is short and progress is slow

If we are strong, and have faith in life and its richness of surprises, and hold the rudder steadily in our hands. I am sure we will sail into quiet and pleasant waters for our old age.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

Television is the triumph of machine over people.

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.

Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider, and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if the experiment's successful, the whole of our reality will dissolve, and a big sign will up come that says: Level Two.

Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That's probably how David knows that there's a World Cup coming up.

I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.

Mr. Gorbachev has apparently stumbled onto one of the best-kept secrets in recent Soviet history: Communism doesn't work.

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.