Funny Quotes - Page 282

Eternity's a terrible thought. I mean, where's it all going to end?

Rap music... sounds like somebody feeding a rhyming dictionary to a popcorn popper.

The Army has carried the American... ideal to its logical conclusion... Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on the grounds of ability.

At the end of the day it's got to be a good movie, it's got to be a funny movie, and it's got to make people think, 'Hey, I couldn't have spent my time any better.'

All the selling out talk is really overrated, the funny thing is it hardly ever comes from bands, it comes from some kid who thinks they're so punk because they have a purple mohawk

If I ever do anything, it actually might be some fantasy elf thing or even some cute, funny thing. Just to do something a little bit out of the ordinary. I've done my superhero gig.

I was the editor of the school newspaper and in drama club and choir, so I was not a popular girl in the traditional sense, but I think I was known for being relatively scathing.

An interim government was set up in Afghanistan. It included two women, one of whom was Minister of Women's Affairs. Man, who'd she have to show here ankles to to get that job?

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

I've been promoted to middle management. I never thought I'd sink so low.

The comic spirit is given to us in order that we may analyze, weigh, and clarify things in us which nettle us, or which we are outgrowing, or trying to reshape

When a baseball player makes an error, it goes into the record and is published. How many of us could stand this sort of daily scrutiny?

Time is long but life is short.

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.

People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

Do fish get cramps after eating?

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie star who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.