Funny Quotes - Page 283

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

Germany are a very difficult team to play... they have eleven internationals out there today.

Even hating myself I still think I'm better than you.

I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses.

Do you drink?" "Of course,I just said I was a writer.

They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.

A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.

Aristocrats have heirs; the poor have children; the rest keep dogs.

If he's getting married, he's not longer interesting.

I'm too young, too smart and too good-looking to die.

I am very picky about my people and my beer.

My second hit was a flop.

Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you.

The best time to have a baby is when you're a black teenager.

I got jury duty and I didn't want to go, so my friend said, "You should write something really really racist on the form when you return it. Like, you should put 'I hate chinks'." And I said, "I'm not going to put that on there just to get out of jury duty. I don't want people to think that about me." So instead I wrote, "I love chinks." And who doesn't?

An exotic and irrational entertainment.

The triumph of hope over experience.

You fail to overlook the crucial point.

Television has raised writing to a new low.

Gentlemen, listen to me slowly.

I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years.

True, I've been a long time making up my mind, but now I'm giving you a definite answer. I won't say yes, and I won't say no - but I'm giving you a definite maybe.

I seated ugliness on my knee, and almost immediately grew tired of it.

I'm saving my sick days for when I'm feeling better.

Marriage is sanctified when it is cherished and honored in holiness. That union is not merely between husband and wife; it embraces a partnership with God.