Sanity is very rare; every man almost and every woman has a dash of madness.
Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.
This is the great fault of wine; it first trips up the feet: it is a cunning wrestler.
The man who would be fully employed should procure a ship or a woman, for no two things produce more trouble.
Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed.
Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang only 15 days.
Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles.
Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests.
Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
NASA scientists announced the discovery of 50 new planets, among them what they're calling Super Earth. It's indistinguishable from regular earth until it removes its glasses.
If we can't alter the tide of events, at least we can be nearby with towels to mop up.
Guests are people who come to your home to see you whine at the table, bark loudly, jump on women wearing pantyhose, and do other tricks which you wouldn't think of doing just for the family.
Men heap together the mistakes of their lives, and create a monster they call Destiny.
It's not how you look, it's how you feel in the dark
They say that if the Swiss had designed these mountains they'd be rather flatter.
Travel works best when you're forced to come to terms with the place you're in.
I'm a firm believer that all sports will eventually be global. Someday, we may have a quarterback from China named Yao Fling.
Even when I begin with a situation that's basically funny or sad, I like to keep poking around in it. I like to get into the middle of a relationship, to explore the subtle places.
Are you, or is someone you know, a gadget freak? If so, you doubtless know that Wednesday was iPhone 5 day, the day Apple unveiled its latest way for people to avoid actually speaking to or even looking at whoever they're with.
Few great men would have got past personnel.
You get fifteen democrats in a room, and you get twenty opinions.
Frankly, most of my friends hold very different political beliefs. It's just a funny thing in this country that supposedly you can't sit down and have dinner and enjoy another person's company if you don't have the same beliefs. It's ridiculous.
Who has connections to Connecticut? That's where rich people go to live the rest of their life in the woods.
