Funny Quotes - Page 293

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.

John Bond has brought in a young left-sided midfield player, who I guess will play on the left side of midfield.

I don't pull out because... it's not my problem.

I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic.

We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. ‘You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle. Here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!’

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.

Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think, ‘Oh, they’re nice,’ but if a stranger’s ugly, you’re like, ‘What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo.

A good time for laughing is when you can.

Everybody in New York City knows there's way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. Its like musical chairs except everybody sat down around 1964.

After you get a job and before you have to do it. Nothing beats that.

I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of the news programs. Don't these idiots who run the news programs know we don't want to read? That's why we're watching TV.

One of the most difficult speeches to prepare is an address to a graduation class, which is why I don't often do them.

The fats dented the flats.

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners.

Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them got a stitch of clothes on.

If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.

When you're young and you get to choose between sleep and sex you take sex everytime. You start getting older, you get to choose between sleep and sex, you choose sleep and just hope you have a dream about sex.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.

The problem with the designated driver programme, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At then end of the night drop them off at the wrong house.

We were hoping to build a small profitable company; and of course, what we've done is build a large, unprofitable company.

Now the thing about having a baby - and I can't be the first person to have noticed this - is that thereafter you have it.