Funny Quotes - Page 298

The farewell between Hitler and Mussolini at the station was very affectionate. Both men were moved.

it's a funny life. Either you don't make a red cent and you have all the time in the world, or else you get double the money and you don't have a moment to spend a penny of it.

Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball and modeling.

It so happened that I was on a German sailing vessel on the way to Australia when the ship was captured, and on the high seas I was made prisoner by the French.

Propel, propel, propel your craft softly down liquid solution. Ecstatically, ecstatically, ecstatically, ecstatically, Existence is simply illusion.

Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.

Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station.

There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes.

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.

Don't you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money.

Time is money, especially when you are talking to a lawyer or buying a commercial.

Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."

A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

You've heard of the three ages of man - youth, age, and you are looking wonderful.

Without friends the world is but a wilderness.

Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one.

Large, naked, raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who live in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter.

Adolescence begins when children stop asking questions-because they know all the answers.

I hate it in friends when they come too late to help.

I cannot give it to you, so try to watch me.