Funny Quotes - Page 305

Life is very important to Americans.

Drugs kill, just like cancer. So don't smoke... tumors.

What's a pirate minus the ship? just a creative homeless guy

Reality continues to ruin my life.

Any American boy can be a basketball star if he grows up, up, up.

I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.

Going into a game against Lew Alcindor [later Kareem Abdul-Jabbar] is like going into a knife fight and finding there's no blade in your handle.

Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.

Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger.

The serve was invented so that the net could play.

I love my dog. I hate bankers. I have issues with women. In my head, I’m a great guy.

When you tell an Iowan a joke, you can see a kind of race going on between his brain and his expression.

Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.

The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.

Necessity knows no law; I know some attorneys of the same.

He's a fool that makes his doctor his heir.

I play with friends, but we don't play friendly games.

The only thing you got in this world is what you can sell. And the funny thing is that you're a salesman, and you don't know that.

The reason why Absurdist plays take place in No Man's Land with only two characters is primarily financial.

The appropriate age for marrige is around eighteen and thirty-seven for man

I am severely distracted these days. It's hard to sit in front of the computer, uploading bad music for hours, when you have a wonderful boyfriend who treats you like a Goddess.

If you cry ''Forward'' you must be sure to make clear the direction in which to go. Don't you see that if you fail to do that and simply call out the word to a monk and a revolutionary, they will go in precisely opposite directions?

Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.

A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it.

The books that everybody admires are those that nobody reads.