Funny Quotes - Page 308

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck

I have a poor memory for names; but I seldom remember a face.

Apparently there are three levels of brain activity. Level 1 is the lowest level - the amount of concentration required to, say, delete emails or serve in congress.

Let us work without theorizing, tis the only way to make life endurable.

I was never ruined but twice: once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I won one.

Monsieur l'abbé, I detest what you write, but I would give my life to make it possible for you to continue to write.

The funny thing is, people's perceptions of what a song is about is usually wrong a majority of the time. But they're still going to read what they want to into it.

Whenever a man's friends begin to compliment him about looking young, he may be sure that they think he is growing old.

The difference between farce and humour in literature is, I suppose, that farce strums louder and louder on one string, while humour varies its note, changes its key, grows and spreads and deepens until it may indeed reach tragic depths.

Friendship is a pretty full-time occupation if you really are friendly with somebody. You can't have too many friends because then you're just not really friends.

I think serial monogamy says it all.

Every city I go to is an opportunity to paint, whether it's Omaha or Hawaii.

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books".

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.