Funny Quotes - Page 314

If you stay in Beverly Hills too long, you become a Mercedes.

Never trust a guy who plucks his eyebrows.

When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog to see the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.

Americans are like a rich father who wishes he knew how to give his son the hardships that made him rich.

What you discover about life’s shell game is that it’s hardest to follow the pea when you’re the pea.

The wedding is where two people become one. The marriage is where they decide which one.

Always telling the truth is no doubt better than always lying, although equally pathological.

There are secrets I will take to the grave and others I'd feel safer having cremated.

[Reviewing the New York City Telephone Directory] But it is the opinion of the present reviewer that the weakness of plot is due to the great number of characters which clutter up the pages. The Russian school is responsible for this.

If you think that you have caught a cold, call in a good doctor. Call in three good doctors and play bridge.

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in.

Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say "Thank you." That's now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, "Don't put off that mammogram."

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

It's a funny relationship that makeup artists have. I always feel kind of like a dentist. People look at me and think of pain.

Fame is a funny thing, like a secret, both are hard to keep.

I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes.

During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else.

I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.

Ay, ay, the best terms will grow obsolete: damns have had their day.

I managed a team that was so bad we considered a 2-0 count on the batter a rally.

A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the damned things is ample.