Funny Quotes - Page 326

My knowledge of the universe is that if I write stupid jokes, the universe gives me a really nice house and great meals. I do not believe mankind will ever develop a formula to explain this.

Magellan went around the world in 1521, which is not too many strokes when you consider the distance.

Eskimos are uncivilised because they don't have any shops.

We're [parents]) always bluffing, pretending we know best, when most of the time we're just praying we won't screw up too badly.

Change is a funny thing. We never are quite sure what we are becoming or even why. Then one day we look at ourselves and wonder who we are and how we got that way. Only one thing about change remains constant...it is always painful

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

Never floss with a stranger.

Never admit that your back goes out more than you do

We are really the victims of our own problems

A peacock escaped from the Central Park Zoo and wandered around the city. Either that or I just saw a pigeon on his way to a gay pride parade.

The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.

I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.

You have the sex appeal of Norman Fell.

No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.

I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically.

Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane.

My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'

I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.

I come from a very big family. Nine parents.

I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to have my old girlfriend's name. So call me old-fashioned, but this fella does what the Bible tells.

It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.